I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
