some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Randomize
