I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
