Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
