My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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