I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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