make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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