Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
