Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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