This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Ladies don't puke and tell
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
