Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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