my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
