can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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