my phone needs a breathalizer
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
