My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
