Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
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so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
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A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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