I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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