It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
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They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
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TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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