If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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