I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
