haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
