Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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