I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
