couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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