I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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