at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
