Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
