Pregnant stripper...not hot.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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