Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
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