On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
