He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
3pm strippers are depressing
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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