I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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