We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
