I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I FOUND THE LEGS
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
