worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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