I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
