Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
