so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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