the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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