The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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