Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
We had sex on a dog bed..
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
