sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
