It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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