So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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