why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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