i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
