Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
