I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
