Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
