can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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