lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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