Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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