I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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