i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
