at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
