just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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