had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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