mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
