she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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