Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
