I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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