"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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